Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
