My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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