she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
