im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
