last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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