just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
