i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
