I must be too annoying 4 u.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
