It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
