I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
