So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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