She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Randomize
