Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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