and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
