giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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