I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
