The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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