I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
