my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Green mimosas i think yes
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
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