Just took my morning after pill in the library
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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