can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
