I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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