Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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