when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Randomize
