We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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