My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
