I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
