I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
pray to the hookup gods
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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