omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
