My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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