tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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