I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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