It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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