Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
