My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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