you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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