Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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