dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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