Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Randomize
