I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
