I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You ruined the universe
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
