You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
