I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Randomize
