New low: just hacked my moms facebook
farters have to be the big spoon...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
