if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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