The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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