dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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