Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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