I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
