reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just found puke in my bra..
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
