Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
